"Needs are the expression of life through us." -Marshall Rosenberg
Have you ever felt unheard or misunderstood in a conversation? Or maybe you’ve been in a disagreement with someone and felt like the situation escalated unnecessarily? Or maybe you are feeling emotions without understanding what to do with them or what action you want to take? This is where nonviolent communication (NVC), also known as compassionate communication, can help.
Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s, NVC is a communication technique that focuses on expressing our own needs and feelings in a way that allows for empathy and understanding. We can use NVC as an internal practice for self awareness and self compassion or with others.
NVC can be broken down into four simple steps:
- Observations: Make an objective statement about a situation without adding any interpretations or judgments.
- Feelings: Express how the observation makes you feel.
- Needs: Identify the underlying need that is causing the feeling.
- Requests: Express a request related to the need and what you wish to value, making it clear, specific and doable.
NVC is based on the belief that all human beings have universal needs. When we can understand our own needs, we express ourselves more clearly. When we make guesses about the needs of others, we are also better able to show compassion and understanding.
I like to take this a step further! I would argue that all living things have certain needs and many of those needs overlap with human needs. In that respect, we can connect beyond our species and offer nonviolence to other living things too.
At the heart of NVC is the belief that every action, no matter how hurtful, is an attempt to meet a basic human need. There is a Marshall Rosenberg quote that I have always really liked: “Violence in any form is a tragic expression of unmet needs.” I like this phrase because it brings me peace when I see violence expressed in the world around me. And, if I am honest, it helps me have compassion for myself when I respond in ways that hurt others. I still don’t like the violence I see in myself and the world around me, but I can have compassion for it and that brings me peace.
By focusing on needs when we are in conflicts (and avoiding criticisms and blame), NVC can help to find common ground and create solutions that meet the needs of all parties involved. We can approach conflicts and misunderstandings with empathy and a deep understanding of where the other person is coming from. It helps us to see the humanity in others and to recognize that everyone has needs that drive their behavior.
When explaining NVC, I often like to start with an understanding of needs. Recognizing what we have in common, our needs, helps us to connect and feel compassion. In fact, I use needs all the time in my daily nonviolence practice. I like to make guesses about my needs or the needs of others. Thinking about the needs without criticism or judgement fills me with compassion. I may not like the actions someone is taking or the strategies someone is using, but when I can make guesses about the needs motivating their behavior, I feel more at peace.
NVC is a powerful tool for improving communication and resolving conflicts. By understanding and expressing our needs with clarity, we can foster empathy and understanding and create more fulfilling relationships with those around us.
